February 6, 2014
Why Did You Take Your Jeans All The Way Off And Lay Them Flat On The Public Library Men’s Room Floor In Front Of You?

Dear Guy Who Took His Jeans All The Way Off And Laid Them Flat On The Public Library Men’s Room Floor In Front Of Him,

Why did you take your jeans all the way off and lay them flat on the public library men’s room floor in front of you? Is whatever you’re doing on the toilet so profanely ranged that the standard pull-to-the-knees method wouldn’t provide sufficient clearance? Respectfully, what are you doing on the toilet?

Did you take your shoes off first, then take your jeans all the way off, then put your shoes back on, or did you pull your jeans all the way off over your shoes? Can you do that with those jeans? Did you buy them in a special cut specifically so that you could do this? Perhaps a Relaxed Fit or a Boot Cut? Would you mind giving me some input on the cut of my jeans? They’re new, and tighter than the jeans I usually wear, and I’m a little self-conscious about them. You seem like a particularly unself-conscious person. Am I right to assume that, based on the jeans-all-the-way-off situation?

Read More

May 12, 2012
Questions for David Lynch

Dear David Lynch,

What?

Love,

Jake

May 11, 2012
Did you touch my butt just now?

Dear balding old Asian lady in the paper towel aisle at Ralphs who I’m pretty sure touched my butt just now,

Did you touch my butt just now? Did you mean to? I guess I’m flattered, if you meant to. Not interested, but flattered nonetheless. The age difference, you know? Normally I’d feel a little creeped out, but it looks like you’ve been through enough. Don’t you agree, though, that you pulled a bit of an aggressive flirting tactic for a stranger at the grocery store?

And did you realize you were touching my butt on the wallet-pocket side? Weren’t you concerned that I’d first assume I was being pickpocketed or something, this being a Ralphs and not really a place people come to get their butts touched? Do you come to Ralphs to get your butt touched? Do you expect me to touch your butt back? I will not. Sorry.

Did you think until just recently that the store was called “Ralph’s”, like that, with an apostrophe? I found out just recently that it’s called “Ralphs”, without an apostrophe, after George Albert Ralphs. Did you know that? Were you embarrassed when you found out too?

What’s causing your baldness? Chemotherapy? A congenital disorder? Did you grow up downstream from a factory?

How long have you been balding? Are you terribly self-conscious about it? Do people ask you about it a lot? Or are most people too polite to ask you about it even though you can see it in their eyes clear as day that they’re looking at it and wondering about it and you wish they would for Christ’s sake just ask you about it because, as uncomfortable as that would be, it’s even more uncomfortable to stand around pretending that neither of you finds it at all unusual that you have like maybe forty-some wispy half-inch baby hairs on your whole head? Do you find the frankness with which I’m asking you about it now to be a breath of fresh air or kind of mean?

Have you ever dressed up as Dr. Evil on Halloween?

Did it make you uncomfortable that I described you as (apparently) of Asian descent? I’m not sure now that is all that relevant or serves any particularly necessary function, beyond basic descriptive spice. Is that, in your opinion, a valid reason to bring up something as volatile as racial categories? I certainly didn’t mean anything pejorative by it, but in matters like this it doesn’t matter as much what I meant as it does how it made you feel. How did it make you feel?

Why am I being so sensitive toward you anyway? You touched my butt, didn’t you?

Awaiting your reply.

Regards,

Jake

May 11, 2012
Than what were you Nacho Cheesier?

Dear Doritos Nacho Cheese Flavored Tortilla Chips,

Remember when you used to be “Nacho Cheesier" flavored? When did that stop?

Moreover, than what were you Nacho Cheesier?

Now that you’re just Nacho Cheese Flavored, can it be assumed that you are less Nacho Cheesy than before? If so, why the change? I find it hard to imagine that you would deprive your customers of Nacho Cheesiness without a good reason. Were the Nacho Cheesier chips too Nacho Cheesy for public consumption? Why would that be? Was our health at risk? What the fuck is in this Nacho Cheese? Do I need to go to a hospital? Which hospital? Doritos Nacho Cheese Flavored Tortilla Chips, what is going to happen to me?

Or maybe you just decided your flavor would look more confident if you stopped trying to compete with an unnamed, less Nacho Cheesy chip flavor. Instead of bragging about how you’re Nacho Cheesier than somebody else, did you simply redefine Nacho Cheese as whatever flavor your flavor is? Essentially, have you declared that if it tastes like Doritos Nacho Cheese Flavored Tortilla Chips, it’s Nacho Cheese Flavored? That’s some pretty elegant logic. Beautiful, in a way. Is that what happened?

I guess what I’m asking, Doritos Nacho Cheese Flavored Tortilla Chips, is am I going to die or have you just learned to respect yourself?

Thanks in advance for getting back to me.

Love,

Jake

May 11, 2012
Have you ever considered an advertising campaign based around the Elvis Presley song “Burning Love,” KY Brand Warming Jelly Personal Lubricant?

Dear KY Brand Warming Jelly Personal Lubricant,

Have you ever considered an advertising campaign based around the Elvis Presley song “Burning Love”? You must have thought of that, right? It just seems so perfect for your product.

Maybe you tried but Elvis’s people were uncomfortable with the association. Is that what happened? That seems like a reasonable explanation. Used to be, of course, that Elvis was at the forefront of a sexual revolution in American mass culture, wiggling his pelvis around on national television and all. But I guess now there is a certain kind of conservative element to the Elvis legacy; nostalgia for a “simpler,” “more innocent” time and all that.

You know, KY Brand Warming Jelly Personal Lubricant, it’s funny how things change.

Or maybe you did it already and I just missed the ads. Did you do it already and I missed the ads? If you did it already could you send me a link or something? I’d love to see how everything turned out. Thanks!

Love,

Jake

Liked posts on Tumblr: More liked posts »